Divinely Lit ~ My First Novel

Journal #1


July 12, 2014


Tears...


Tears are falling...


They are falling rapidly down my face. 


Fast. Faster...


My sunglasses are on so my children cannot see but I am weeping. My nose is running. I have to pull over to the side of the country road. I am overwhelmed.


"Don't let them in. Don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal. Don't feel. Don't let them know. Well now they know. Let it go!" (Frozen).

...

I don't care what they are going to say...


I am scared and overwhelmed. I am scared of those that I am going to lose. Those who don't understand. Those who will judge me for my gifts. I am not sure of who they are but I am feeling the loss strongly! My fear of judgement and non-acceptance is appearing. My fear is winning.


"The past is the past." (Frozen). I hear these words of Elsa's voice so strong. 


I am screaming in my mind... Let it go! LET IT GO!


I can't stop crying. The sobs are protruding from way down deep in my soul. I am mourning!


The grief is for those I have lost. The pain is from those I have had to push away. For those who judge and talk behind my back. 


I am only me! I am only Jenn. I am only doing my best. I am trying to live this life the best I know how.


Paula's words keep repeating a loud echo in my head. "You are a good person. I see pure white light."


Over and over again. Pure white light. Pure white light. Pure white light.


I don't feel like pure white light. The clouded fog has blocked the way.


Shadows are surfacing. Their misty strength is rising fast. They are strong and definitely heavier than I thought.


Angels thank you for filling me with light and with your love. Please God make the pain go away!

...

"Healing the Shadow Self Meditation" Online video clip. YouTube. www.energychannel.ca, 23 Feb. 2014. Web. 26 May 2016.


Little Jennifer. Little Jennifer is 3. She is sad and she is lost. She is scared and she is confused. She is beautiful. So beautiful with innocence. So beautiful with love. Her little piggy tails are brown and her eyes are the deepest green I have ever seen.


I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I am here. I'M HERE! I hug her and console her little cries. I pick her up so tightly in my arms and embrace her. I say with love. I will always love you. I always have. I will protect you. I promise I will not leave. Never.. ever... again! I promise Jennifer I am here. I will save you. I love you. Please don't be scared. You are safe. We are safe together. Together... Forever... Safe!


My meditation brought me back to when I was 3. The memories came in like the wind. The visions painted so intense as they reappeared. But this time... Little Jennifer was saved. The sub conscience pain of the past was released. I brought us back together. This time little green eyed Jennifer left feeling loved. This time I saved myself! This time we were one!

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Jennifer Foster 

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