Sunday morning - October 5, 2014
As I laid in my bed and my headache came on the colours began to come. While my eyes rested shut and my body silently went to sleep the mystic flow began. The purple light came in like a slow flame shining on the sand. Violet waves of translucent light floating in my mind.
The purple mist behind my lids was magic as it glowed. As my heart became peace and my mind remained calm I allowed the flow to begin to shine.
For months I have read about colours and the sight of the third eye. For months I have wondered if I would ever see. The time has come! It is finally here! It is finally in my reach! When reiki makes sense and the healing hands are real. When I close my eyes now I see the colours of the world. The rainbow of light, I see them so clearly now and I see them in indirect swirls.
The vibrant shine came strong that morning. The amaze took me by surprise. The purple fog flowed on in and brought me towards a new world of sight. A new world of butterflies lighting the peace stricken night.
October 7th - 3:03 pm
Child molestation... What a powerful pain. So powerful that your insides burn and your heart aches. It is aching. I am aching. The release is here. I have to release the pain. I'm sad. So so sad. More sad than I have ever been. Actions cut so deep. So deep that the pain hides. It has hidden itself so deep. So deep that I couldn't find it. So deep that I didn't even know it was there. That tricky hidden pain has risen and it's time for me to face it!
My childhood traumas have come out and it is time for me to heal. I believe I am strong enough now...
I was 12. I think I was 12 when I would write in a diary that I kept hidden away. I wanted to die. I wanted to take my life. At the time, I had no idea why. So lost in self pity and so lost in a confused state of self hate. I didn't feel pretty enough. I didn't feel thin enough. The slimfast shakes seemed to do the trick.
Always craving attention... wanting everyone to like me. In that moment in time to get attention, you would get it through the boys. The problem was that I wasn't as thin as the other girls. So... I thought I was ugly. My curves were always there while my breasts grew larger than the rest.
Why? I used to ask myself. Why can't I have straight blond hair while I sprayed sun-in through it trying to be someone I was not. Why couldn't my legs be thin and my waist like the other girls? When my mom would get my arms waxed so the other girls would not make me cry. When my parents kept me in my dance classes even though my legs were too big. But... they did not realize how unhappy I was. They just knew that I loved to dance. Dancing has always been my passion. When I dance, the sadness always seems to go away.
My parents never knew that I wanted to die. They never knew the truth I hid inside. I hid it. I hid it so far down. Well now the truth is starting to come out. Now... unfortunately they know... :(
October 8th - 8 pm (memory of the past)
Paula - "Were you at a carnival lately with your kids?"
I just looked at her in question.
Paula - "Like a park with lot's of trees?"
Me - "I always take the girls for walks in nature."
Paula - "Did something fall?"
Instantly, I thought of the evening I went to Gage Park in Hamilton a couple of weeks ago. The squirrels were playing with my girls.
Paula - "Your grandfather was there at the park."
Me - "The girls were playing with squirrels. I am telling you ... they wouldn't stop! I couldn't get the girls back to my van."
Paula started laughing while the vision appeared in front of her eyes. I started laughing too!
Paula - "It was your grandfather. He wanted to show you he was there."
Me - "Well can you tell him to not do that next time." I giggled. "It took me forever to get them back to the van!"
Paula - "Was there an acorn and what's with the apples?"
Me - "Sara picked an acorn up and a crab apple fell out of the tree."
Paula - "That was him."
Such a good memory and it totally makes sense now. Those squirrels were having fun with my girls. I knew it. It was like they were trying to play cat and mouse. At the time, I didn't think it was comical but now... now I know the magic was real. I know spirit is alive and my grandpa came through.